Why Do Children Lie?
Lying is more common than you might think
It seems lying, in one form or another, is a very human phenomenon. Starting between two and three years of age, children begin to tell untruths and many continue to tell untruths throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
What do we mean by ‘lying’?
Sometimes, in the very young, the ‘lies’ are more appropriately labelled fantasy as in, “a huge cat came in and ate those cookies-I saw it,” or “my (imaginary) friend Melinda told me to do it-it was her idea to cut my hair,” or “when I was playing in the backyard, a dinosaur came to visit me and he’s very lonely and wants to come live with me.” Later, lies tend to be divided into “white” lies which are prosocial such as, “thank you grandma, I love the (ugly) sweater you knit for me,” and “black lies” which are self-serving and utilized to hurt others or avoid punishment, for example, “it was Zev who broke your video game.” And then, of course, there are the embellishments of budding novelists wherein a run- of- the -mill shopping outing suddenly turns into a detective thriller during the retelling at dinner. ‘Truth’ is often dull.
How do ‘lies’ begin?
Children begin to lie when they realize that others can’t see their actions if they’re not physically present and that others (their parents) can’t read minds, aren’t all knowing. This awareness is called the development of “theory of mind” and it occurs sometime before three years of age. In order to tell an untruth, a child must know that it’s possible to deceive another and must also be able to recall that he/she told the untruth to maintain it, upon enquiry. Research shows that children with better impulse control are better liars because they don’t blurt out later that they lied! Six and seven year old children can persist in a lie but often are detected because they can’t keep their body language under control; by nine or ten, however, children are skillful and consistent liars and even trained adults have difficulty detecting the lies. According to some studies, lying begins at two or three, peaks at nine or ten, and tends to decrease thereafter.
What about adolescents?
We think of adolescents as the most frequent liars but apparently this isn’t so. As a group, adolescents tend to omit facts and situations rather than fabricate stories and tell deliberate lies. What they seek is privacy and autonomy. As children develop, they generally view themselves as moral and law abiding and the lies they tell, require justification to maintain self-esteem- just like adults. Adolescents tell lots of lies but, as a group, they are no guiltier than the rest of the population. Some would argue that the increasingly intrusive tools parents now have to track and monitor their children, primarily serve to motivate adolescents to evade detection!
Does this mean we are raising little delinquents?
Absolutely not but it does mean that, as a society, we have a very ambivalent attitude about ‘truth.” The ‘truth’ is often harsh or unpalatable we say–he’s too young, she’s not ready… to learn about death or sex or racism or injustice. The ‘truth’ is unpleasant, and also increasingly biased and individual, and nasty. In addition to withholding information, parents actively teach their children to lie – “Tell your music teacher you were sick and couldn’t practice, tell the dentist you did wear your elastics, say you weren’t feeling well, always say something nice at the party; don’t repeat what I said about your friend’s mom.”
And then there are the examples we all provide for our children to observe and mimic- “I didn’t get your email, I must have inadvertently erased it; I so wish I could be there but we have a prior engagement.” Most of us lie… and most of us teach our children to lie.
For many parents, it’s most exquisitely painful to acknowledge the lies we directly tell our children when they confront us and challenge us and we deny being angry, or out of control, or saying this or that- “You exaggerate, you are making that up, what nonsense.” We are too ashamed to admit what we did or said.
When should we worry?
Children who are envious and angry are children who feel deprived and, as a result, may tell lies in self-serving ways to promote their interests. In other situations, children lack self- esteem and tell lies to prop up their need for affirmation and attention. What’s important is to determine how often they lie, why they lie, and what needs the lies serve. Equally important is whether or not the child has friends, strengths, and talents which balance the problematic behaviour. Ross Greene, PH.D (Lost at School) says children’s behaviours become more extreme as their capacity to adapt becomes more challenged. When children lie and steal, lie and hurt, lie and self-mutilate, there is reason to be extremely concerned and to seek help.
Examples:
1. Eleven year old Nigel tells his parents every night that he doesn’t have homework because his teacher gives the students time to do it during class. After a month, the teacher calls and says she is concerned because Nigel never does his homework and is falling behind in all areas of the curriculum. Nigel’s parents are embarrassed and angry but they know it isn’t like their son to be dishonest so they ignore the lies and ask him why he won’t do his homework. After much prodding, he says he can’t do the homework assignments because he doesn’t understand the lessons during class. It turns out that Nigel has an auditory processing difficulty which is only now becoming apparent because the work is more difficult, the teacher talks faster, and doesn’t repeat things as often, as teachers had done in the earlier grades.
2. Fourteen year old Fatima moved to Canada three years ago and after a tough start, is thriving. She has developed friendships with boys and girls at school and is thrilled to be included when they hang out after class at the coffee ship or in the local park. Her parents have forbidden her to go anywhere after school and so she tells them she stays to help her teacher for an hour or so every afternoon. Fatima hates lying to her parents but she can’t give up her social time with friends. She tells herself it’s for the best since her parents wouldn’t understand. She’s Canadian and they are not.
3. Eight year old Claudia steals from her classmates. She steals hair accessories, snacks, pencils, and just about anything else she can manage. One day her teacher came back into the classroom just after recess began and saw Claudia taking a hair clip out of another student’s desk. Claudia blushed and stammered but insisted that the hair clip belonged to her. She had ‘loaned it’ to her classmate. Rather than debate the matter with Claudia, her teacher said she had noticed that Claudia was spending a lot of time by herself and she wondered if she were sad or lonely or maybe both. Claudia burst into tears and said she didn’t know why she took things. She just did.
How are we most likely to raise ‘honest’ children?
The answer is painfully obvious. Parents have children who are honest when they are honest –when they admit their frailties and mistakes, their angry, envious feelings, their flaws and missteps. There is a consistent view in the literature that punishing children for lying only promotes motivation for better lying. Understanding the motivation for the lie is far more important than detecting the lie. One thing is clear and it’s that parents who focus on their children’s lies and punish the lies, train children to lie better. The greater the punishment for the lie, the greater the motivation to avoid detection! If we want our children to be honest, we must lead by example.
References
1. Michelle Eskritt and Kang Lee, “The Detection of Prosocial Lying by Children”, Infant and Child Development, Volume 26, January/February, 2017.
2. Angela Evans and Kang Lee, Emergence of lying in very young children, Developmental Psychology, October, 2013
3. Ross W. Greene, PH.D., Lost at School: Why our Kids with Behavioural Challenges Are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them, (2014), Simon and Schuster.
4. Valerie Maggian and Marie Claire Villeval, “Social preferences and lying aversion in children”, Experimental Economics, Volume 19, September, 2016.
About The Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.
Listen to our podcast episode on this topic: Episode 4 | The Real Reason That Children Lie