Competition and Children. Is it a good thing?
People have strong views about competition among children. Some think competition is character building, promoting confidence, ambition, and grace, in relation to winning and losing. Others see it as soul destroying, instilling the desire to win rather than cooperate with peers, and creating unnecessary anxiety.
Not just sports and games involve competition
We tend to think of sports and games when we think about competition because there are clear winners and losers but dance, music, and art can be intensely competitive, as well. Whenever others view our creations, they judge them, rate them, and compare them to others’ creations….as do we.
All children need praise
Almost everyone agrees that it’s important to admire and praise young children in all their efforts and aspirations whether it be taking first steps, tying shoe laces, building a tower of blocks, or finger painting. Children love praise and are motivated by enthusiastic cheering and clapping; “you can do it, hurray, you’re so clever, that’s amazing” are messages which are received with smiles and giggles, and expressions of delight. Children who are praised and encouraged when they are young begin to internalize the praise and encouragement and give themselves compliments and support. “I had a great idea, I did a good job, I made a beautiful picture,” they say.
Unqualified praise or realistic appraisal of skills and talents
Differences in opinion about praise and competition begin when children are about six or seven. Some parents and teachers think unqualified praise should continue, whereas others think it’s time for critical evaluations in the form of marks, grades, and rankings with peers. The reality is that children as young as five appear to be pretty good at evaluating their performances in comparison to others. They know who draws well, who is good at recognizing letters and shapes, just as they know who runs fastest and kicks the ball furthest. It is probably unhelpful to tell children they are wrong in their perceptions, so what do parents say? What will allow children to develop realistic assessments of their strengths and weakness, while also developing self-esteem and motivation to learn and succeed?
Focus on the process not the result
Several research studies show that children develop the ability to keep trying in the face of failure when it is their efforts which are praised, rather than the results. A child who is building a tower will inevitably be frustrated and discouraged when it falls down before its completion but children who have been complimented on their diligence, patience, or approach to various tasks are much more likely to start over than children who have been praised for their completed tasks. Examples include such statements as, “I like how you balanced the blocks before you took away your fingers,” “you had such great focus,” “you’re doing a tricky project and it will take a lot of practice,” and “Who cares if it fell, try to figure out why it fell, that’s the fun part.” This group of children, not only persist but become interested and engaged when they fail, and attempt to discover why their efforts failed. Children who are raised on praise for success, tend to feel they must succeed and are more prone to panic when they fail. This relates to homework and music, as much as it does to competitive sports. It turns out that self-esteem and realistic appraisals of strengths and weaknesses are highly correlated. Children with poor self-esteem are more likely to both underestimate and overestimate their abilites.
Competition is hard to avoid
Competition is inherently connected to achievement, in almost all realms. Passing a music exam, a swimming test, moving to the next level in chess, progressing to oil paints, are all forms of competition, since some children do and some children don’t achieve these milestones, and some achieve them faster than others. Most children work hard because they want to master their goals, but also because they like badges, certificates, ribbons and trophies. When all children get trophies and badges, however, they become meaningless and children know it. We live in an increasingly competitive world where children compete for admission to schools and colleges, and later for jobs. It seems, the question is not whether children should compete, but how they can compete in life enhancing and growth supporting ways?
Super competitive kids
Children appear to have varying degrees of competitiveness, probably as a result of genes and temperament. From a very early age, some children want to race, challenge, and win; “I did it first, I’m fastest, I beat you,” they announce with glee. Whether this is charming or obnoxious, often depends on the other competitors and witnesses, but it also depends on whether or not the child who likes to compete, can tolerate losing, can be gracious in defeat. Children who have to win, who cheat to win, who refuse to acknowledge defeat are not pleasant to be around. They are not having fun and they interfere with others who want to have fun. When winning is a desperate need rather than a desirable outcome, the problem is very poor self-esteem, and unmet desires for approval and recognition. The problem is not a ‘competitive spirit’.
Over- invested parents
When parents are personally invested in their children’s success, when parents want their children to win in order to bolster their own self-esteem, children feel it, and feel pressure. We all know stories of parents yelling at their kids for performing badly in hockey arenas, on baseball fields, and in gyms, and these stories make us cringe, but pressure can be exerted in far more subtle ways. A parent who withdraws, is silent, sad, or disappointed after a child’s loss or failure, can create an enormous burden of guilt, shame, and/or resentment in the child. Parents who are overly invested need friends or partners to tell them so, and to find a way to back off, or stand down. Talking about it definitely helps.
Shy Children
Some children are reticent about competition because they are shy and like to do things in their own way, and at their own pace. It’s not the prospect of losing that bothers them, as much as the prospect of being ‘on show’. These children need lots of encouragement to perform, and incentives for trying anything new. Since speaking in class is as big a problem as performing a dance, or piano solo, they may as well get started early, and keep going. Shyness can be overcome, or at least circumvented, and the consequences of letting a shy child do nothing at all, are considerable.
What are the signs that children are under too much pressure?
All children go through periods when they are discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed with their progress and it’s important to encourage them to continue and to overcome the hurdles, whatever they are. If children are allowed to quit every activity when they reach an impasse, they won’t succeed in anything. As well, their inclination to quit will be greatly reinforced. However, lots of children find themselves in situations that are too stressful for them and they need something to change, and someone to make that change happen. Signs that children are experiencing too much stress include:
Children who frequently cry, are not sleeping well, complain of stomach aches close to game time, are reluctant to attend practice or lessons, and who are unhappy after practices and events are not having fun (its normal for children to complain when they have to get up early or interrupt another activity to go to lessons or practices, but they are usually in great spirits afterwards).
Children who are anxious and hesitant during their activities, holding back, looking nervous, over focussed or losing focus, are probably under a lot of stress.
Children who regularly complain about their teachers, coaches, teammates or fellow studnts, say they are left out, insulted, or bullied, need help and their complaints need to be investigated. Parents should stay and watch the activities and speak with coaches and teachers to better understand the problem.
How can we help children become confident competitors and ‘good sports.’
Parents who are good competitors and ‘good sports’ are far more likely to have children who are good competitors and ‘good sports.’ Who knew? Parents who willingly tell their children about their failures are modelling good sportsmanship and good self-esteem. The parent who reports wihout distress, “I was just awful today, couldn’t do a thing, lost bigtime,” is providing better guidance and instruction, than a lifetime of lectures.
Parents who speak with admiration, rather than envy, when others do things well, beat them in a game, or surpass their achievements, communicate clearly to their children that it’s alright to come in second or third, or not at all.
Parents who lose to their children or partner without upset or rancour are teaching their children to lose gracefully and, that losing is not a ‘big deal’. Many parents who can’t tolerate losing, beat their young children at everything, and insist that the child ‘needs to learn to lose’. The child will learn to lose, because he keeps losing, but he won’t lose gracefully or happily. Children need to win with their parents before they can learn to lose with others.
Parents who win graciously and who refrain from gloating or diminishing the efforts of their competitors, are teaching their children to be gracious, as well. While they are learning however, children will need reminders to be kind, and to consider the feelings of others.
Children tolerate losing at different ages and most parents know when their children are ready to engage in a little competition. Whatever that competiton is, parents and parent coaches need to be fun, positive, and really, really good at losing!
Focusing on the child’s skill development or attainment of personal goals will help him/her to tolerate losing or failing; “look how much better you are than last year, last month.”
Encouraging and promoting friendships among those with whom your child is competing with and against, will promote their belief that relationships and team work actually do matter more than winning and losing.
Learning to compete
Life is full of disappointments and setbacks and often what distinguishes successful people is their ability to take risks, to pick themselves up after a failure, and try again. This is not something that can be learned in adulthood, or learned in the moment, when it is needed. This takes a lifetime of practice. It begins with the tower of blocks that falls over, moves to the bicycle which is scary and involves falling a bunch of times, onto the classroom where learning to read is slow and hard, and reading out loud is a real nightmare, and then the dance studio, baseball diamond, and concert hall. If parents and teachers are encouraging and patient, children will likely overcome their fears and fear of failure, so they can tackle new skills and challenges, and compete with confidence –not confidence that they will necessarily succeed in securing a particular prize, but confidence that, whatever the outcome, they will learn, have fun, enjoy meeting new people, and feel exhilarated.
About The Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.