How to Talk to Children about Separation and Divorce
Divorce is very common but it remains a highly stressful and painful life transition for all family members. Given the many decisions to be made, details to be arranged, and feelings to be managed, it is challenging for parents to focus on their children’s needs; nevertheless, they must. Here is a short primer.
How to tell children about separation and divorce.
Research shows that children forget a lot about their parents’ separation but they remember everything about their parents telling them about the separation and divorce. With respect to “that conversation,” children recall every detail, including the wallpaper in the room, the weather that day, and the exact words spoken. For this reason, divorce experts encourage parents to tell their children together, to discuss what they are going to say ahead of time, including the precise words to be spoken, even to prepare and rehearse a script, whenever possible. This is the moment for parents to set the tone for the separation, to show their children that they will continue to be attentive and available and that the children’s welfare is their top priority. When it’s not possible for parents to tell the children together, the goal remains to keep the children’s needs for continuity and security front and center.
What do children need to know about divorce?
Children need to be told that mom and dad have decided to live apart because they no longer love each other enough to be married, but that they will continue to be parents together and love their children together. Children need to know where they will live, go to school or daycare, what changes will take place, and what will stay the same. Most important, is the assurance that friendships and family relationships will be maintained. Practical matters such as who will keep the family pet may also be of critical importance. Children will need plenty of time to ask questions, to protest, and to mourn. Even when children have been exposed to a lot of conflict between their parents, they are usually surprised and distressed by the reality of separation. This is not to say that remaining in an unhappy, tension-filled or angry marriage is preferable for children. It’s not.
What do children not need to know?
Children do not need to know that mommy and daddy are divorcing because one of them loves someone else, that mom and dad can’t agree as to where the children will live, or with whom, that a stranger called a “judge” will need to decide for them, that there won’t be as much money now because they have to hire lawyers and go to “court.” Most especially, children do not need to hear or be informed of any of the insults and accusations parents may be hurling at one another in private.
Children do not want to know that their parents are distraught, can’t cope, or think they won’t recover from divorce. Such messages are terrifying for children who need to feel safe and believe that their parents will continue to look after them. If plans are uncertain, it is important to tell the children they are in process and the children will be informed as soon as they are finalized. Parents’ tears and fears should be shared with grandparents, lawyers, and friends, not their children. When parents lose control in front of their children, it is important to talk about it and reassure children that the loss of control was temporary and that they are now fine, or will be fine.
Who needs to be told?
The significant people in children’s lives need to know that the family is going through separation and change. This would include teachers and daycare staff, baby sitters, family doctors, family members, and close friends. All these important figures need both parents’ contact information and an invitation to be in touch should they have concerns or questions. Children should be told that these important figures will be informed and that they can talk to them if they wish. Children must never be expected to keep the separation a secret as this will suggest that divorce is shameful and stigmatizing, which in turn, will compound their distress.
How can extended family members be helpful?
Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and family friends can be enormously helpful to children experiencing separation and divorce when they provide a little extra attention, listen to the children’s complaints and feelings, and reassure them just by being there, that these important relationships won’t change. It is especially helpful when extended family members and friends refrain from taking the side of one parent over another, or providing information about litigation, romantic relationships, or general gossip. Having a safe haven or ‘conflict-free’ zone is a precious gift.
What do children want?
More than anything, children want to feel reassured that they will continue to experience life as predictable, knowable, and doable. As so much changes around them during separation and divorce, it is really reassuring for children of all ages when routines and schedules are maintained or re-established quickly. Junk food, late bedtimes, lax rules, and missed school will reduce, not strengthen, children’s ability to cope. Similarly, the more continuity of rules and routines created in the separate households, the greater a sense of continuity and security will be felt by the children.
What do children fear?
Children are very self-referential and tend to blame themselves for whatever happens to them, even when they are victimized. Accordingly, what children fear most is that they have caused their parents to fight and separate, that they have been too much trouble or insufficiently loveable such that their parents have become unhappy and unsatisfied. Children of all ages fear this, whether they express it or not, and parents need to explicitly tell their children that there is nothing they did or failed to do which affected the decision to divorce. Any suggestion that the children are to blame is cruel and very damaging to their self-esteem. Even when parents argue about discipline or rules and expectations regarding the children, it is not the children but the parents’ inability to develop a working strategy which is the underlying problem.
Children also fear that they will lose their home, their friends, and their happiness both individually, and as a family. They fear their parents won’t ever be happy or the same, and they can’t imagine being happy when their parents are unhappy. They worry that they will never feel whole again. In instances where one parent has sole custody, children worry they will lose the noncustodial parent.
In addition to their own fears, children are very sensitive to their parents’ fears, particularly at a time of crisis. The more fear and anxiety they sense in their parents, the more fear they will experience. It is essential for parents to reassure their children that “things will be okay, it’s just hard for a little while until we get settled, I’m anxious now but I will figure it out.” Denying the children’s observations will make things harder because the children will feel invalidated, as well as anxious. They will then have additional worries that they can’t perceive things accurately, or that mom or dad is lying because things are even worse than they imagine. In other words, be honest, but be optimistic.
What makes children most unhappy?
In almost every single instance, children love their parents and want to spend time with them, and want to express their love for them. To feel safe and confident, children need to believe their parents are loving and capable people. When children hear their parents insult one another, it undermines their own self-esteem and self-worth. How can they be good and worthy if they come from parents who are not good and not worthy? In high conflict divorces, children often say such things as “my dad says my mom is crazy and my mom says my dad is an asshole so I guess that makes me a crazy asshole.” This dynamic is the same and equally damaging, whether couples divorce or remain in a high conflict marriage.
Children are very stressed and unhappy when they can’t openly share what happens in each of their parent’s homes, when they can’t take their toys and belongings freely between homes, when they have to be the bearer of messages between households, and when they have to think about every little thing they say because it might hurt or anger one parent. Children need help to manage their own feelings; they can’t manage their parents’ feelings.
When one parent is less competent.
Sometimes divorce reveals parental weaknesses which might otherwise not be noticed until much later in a child’s development. Prior to separation, one parent might be compensating for his or her partner’s failures such as drinking or gambling, or just forgetfulness, and self-absorption. When the children begin to visit that parent on their own, the inadequacies are much more apparent and can create a whole new dimension of disillusionment and distress. In this case, children need opportunities to express their worries and disappointment to someone who will acknowledge their concerns, but also be respectful of the love and loyalty they feel for their parents. It might be tempting for the more competent parent to feel vindicated, even pleased that the children now “see” but holding back on criticisms and complaints about the ex-spouse, is what the children need most. Not always, but often, less competent parents become more competent when they have to manage on their own.
When one parent refuses to cooperate.
Managing separation and divorce requires the cooperation and goodwill of both parents. When one parent is hurt, angry, and behaving in vindictive ways, everyone suffers. Experts agree that the more mature or healthier parent is best served by focusing on the kids and what he or she can control, and not getting embroiled in a destructive, no-win battle with the ex-partner. The more intransigent the ex-partner, the more it will be necessary to involve lawyers and therapists and institute formal rules and formal communications. Angry emails and phone calls in response to provocations only inflame and escalate the hostility. The embattled parent has to rely on friends and family, as well as professionals, to express his or her understandable outrage, and the unfairness of it all. Most important, is to maintain a sense of self as reasonable and decent, and not react to accusations, insults, and negative attributions. Accepting the limitations of the ex-spouse is also necessary because he or she is unlikely to change anytime soon. The children will be more harmed by an ongoing battle between their parents than by almost anything one parent does or says. When both parents are engaged in a life or death struggle, the children are bereft.
It’s a fact. Children are going to be mad and sad.
During separation and divorce, children (like their parents) are going to feel angry and sad and these feelings need to be expressed in ways that are tolerable for everyone. Parents may give their children permission to express themselves in ways that they deem appropriate and enforce rules about conduct and behavior which are inappropriate. It may be fine to scream or hit pillows or leave the table; it is never permissible to hit or kick, or behave in ways that create danger for anyone.
When do children need professional help?
Divorce is a crisis for children and families. It is a major turning point which is hugely stressful and involves a great deal of change and uncertainty for everyone. It is typical for children to show signs and symptoms of stress including changes in sleep patterns, eating, and activity level, as well as nightmares, headaches and stomach aches, angry outbursts, defiance, withdrawal, sadness, and inattention. These symptoms usually recede over a few months as preparations are made, routines are reestablished, and children are reassured that ‘life goes on.’
If symptoms persist more than a few months, if a child gains or loses a significant amount of weight, consistently refuses to attend school or participate in social activities, engages in self-harm such as skin picking, hair pulling, or cutting, or expresses self-hatred or a wish to die, he or she needs to be seen by the family doctor and perhaps, get a referral to a mental health professional. Such symptoms indicate that the child is really struggling and needs more help to cope with the losses and changes.
Divorce is not an event; it’s the new normal.
Divorce is not a discrete event which happens and then remains in the past. Divorce is an ongoing way of life which has to be continually negotiated and renegotiated. When people share children, their lives are forever intertwined. School events, homework, birthday parties, doctor and dentist appointments, weddings, funerals, and holidays need to be organized, whether couples are married or divorced. The more that divorced couples can talk together and participate in these important events, the more content their children will be.
During the heat of divorce people often say, “I wish he would just disappear” or, “I wish she would move 30,000 miles away” but the reality is that children never forget a parent if he or she “disappears,” never stop mourning, never stop yearning. Children as children, and as adults…want their parents and… want their parents to like each other.
Resources
Resources for Children & Families
Dr. Samantha Rodman, How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce, Adams Media, 2015.
Joan H. McWilliams, Esq., A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the Effects of Conflict and Divorce: Protecting Your Children from Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s), McWilliams Mediation Group, LTD, 2019
Resource for Children
Anastasia Higginbotham, Divorce is the Worst, Dottir Press, 2019.
Services in Toronto
Families in Transition, Family Services Toronto
Changing Family (Separation and Divorce), Jewish Family & Child Services
About the Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.
Listen to our podcast episode on divorce: Episode 6 | How to Talk to Your Kids About Separation & Divorce