Sexual Behaviour in Children: Normal or Need for Concern?
Infants and small children are infinitely curious. They touch, sniff, taste, poke, pull, and rub everything they see and are able to reach. Children’s bodies are immediate and compelling sources of interest and they spend lots of time exploring their toes, fingers, mouths, eyes, ears, and genitals. Bodies are not only objects of interest but sources of stimulation, comfort, and soothing. Many children fall asleep while sucking their fingers, playing with their hair, or rubbing their genitals just as many fall asleep with the aid of soothers, bottles, and blankets. These self-exploratory and self-soothing behaviours are not ‘sexual’ in the sense of adult sexual behaviour, which usually involves another person as an object of desire and has orgasm, as its goal.
Children are not only curious about their own bodies but about other people’s bodies, as well. They explore their parents’ faces, hair and fingers, and later become curious about their breasts and genitals. Do they have the same genitals as their parents? How are they different? Why are they different? Children look at other children’s genitals, while going to the bathroom or changing; they are endlessly curious about penises and vaginas, how babies are made, how ‘peeing’ and ‘pooping’ happen, and why there is a lot of talk and concern about everyone’s “privates.”
Later, when children have the opportunity to be alone with siblings and friends, they often examine one another’s genitals, an activity commonly referred to as “playing doctor.” They may insert objects into their own or their friend’s rectum or vagina to ‘see how they work.’ It is common for older children to draw pictures of breasts, penises, rectums and vaginas, and search out ‘dirty’ words for them.
Exploration and curiosity about all bodily functions, including sex and reproduction are normal and healthy, and experts encourage parents to provide information to their children, to answer their questions, and to refrain from punishing or shaming them when they touch themselves, or engage in play with siblings or peers. The common wisdom today is that children should be allowed to touch their genitals in private and told this explicitly. When discovering children engaged in sexual play together, it’s recommended that parents calmly remind the children that they aren’t to touch others’ genitals or allow others to touch theirs. That admonishment, plus a follow-up conversation to determine what it was that the children were seeking to find out, should be sufficient to end the behaviour.
Toni Cavanaugh Johnson, a clinical psychologist with considerable expertise in children’s sexual development has written two small volumes, Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviours: What’s Natural and Healthy (2015), and Helping Children with Sexual Behaviour Problems (2014). Dr. Cavanaugh lists a number of factors which can assist parents and teachers to assess whether children’s behaviour is healthy and normal, or problematic. These include:
1. The activity is periodic and is but one activity among many others; it’s not ‘driven’ or a preoccupation.
2. The behaviour is easily interrupted by an adult and is not associated with shame, fear, or guilt.
3. Children engaging in sexual exploration together are close in age and play together frequently.
4. The play is spontaneous and doesn’t involve threats, bribes, or any form of coercion.
5. The play does not involve adult-type sexual activities or indicate precocious knowledge about sex.
When children are preoccupied with sexual activity or demonstrate a precocious knowledge of sex, direct their behaviours towards adults or much younger children, attempt to coerce or hurt other children, involve animals, or appear furtive about their behaviour, they may be signalling a serious problem. Such behaviour suggests that the children have been exposed to inappropriate sexual stimulation in the form of pornography, witnessing adult sexual activity, or been the victim of sexual abuse. Parents who are uncomfortable about talking directly to their child should discuss their concerns with their family doctor and make a determination about calling child protective services. Teachers have an obligation to call child protective services directly and allow their staff to determine whether an investigation is warranted. Sexual abuse is associated with serious social, emotional, and learning difficulties in childhood, and mental health problems, poorer physical health, unemployment, and incarceration in adulthood. Moreover, adults who offend sexually are very likely to have suffered sexual abuse in childhood. Children who have been abused or who are being abused need help–now.
The differences between children who are engaging in healthy play involving their bodies, and children who are displaying symptoms of sexual interference, are very marked. In the first instance, the children are happy, exuberant, curious, and spontaneous; in the second instance, the children are joyless, preoccupied, and re-enacting something they didn’t want, and don’t understand.
Sensual pleasure, affection, love, and sexual desire develop and change over the life span. These are very different feelings with very different motivations but they are all expressed physically, with our bodies. The more comfortable we are with our bodies, the more comfortable we will be to give and receive physical affection, sensual, and sexual pleasure.
About The Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.