Temper Tantrums: When it’s Normal and When it’s Not
Who hasn’t watched a child (or adult) having a ‘tantrum’ and thought, “wow, that’s obnoxious.” Explosive, out-of- control behaviour is unsettling at best, and frightening at worst. A tantrum may include a wide array of behaviours including crying, screaming, flailing about on the ground, kicking out and punching, and breaking things. It’s unpleasant for the observers and usually humiliating for the person having the tantrum.
Temper tantrums are one of the most common childhood behaviour problems and a frequent reason for consulting a paediatrician and referral to a child mental health specialist.
Daniel Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD. write in their book, NoDrama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, that tantrums occur when the “instinctive, reactive, lower parts of the brain become so active” that one loses “access to the higher parts of the brain,” the calmer and more resourceful parts. The more easily a person is provoked and frustrated, and the fewer adaptive skills a person possesses, the more frequent the tantrums. Because small children have not yet developed the adaptive resources necessary to tolerate frustrations, they are more likely to have emotional outbursts.
Although many parents are inclined to ignore or punish their children when they have a temper tantrum, Siegel and Payne Bryson argue that children who are upset and disorganized need their parents’ help and support most acutely. They suggest that parents remain calm and attempt to “connect” with the child by picking him or her up, kneeling at the child’s level and making eye contact, validating the child’s feelings, and/or giving a hug. If none of these interventions is possible because the child is flailing, it might be necessary to wait till the storm has passed before addressing the situation. Regardless, your “calm presence during a tantrum” will “build your child’s capacity to handle himself better in the future, because emotional responsiveness strengthens the integrative connections in his brain that will allow him to…control his body and emotions.” Numerous studies have shown that becoming angry, visibly frustrated, or attempting to coerce the child out of the tantrum will likely backfire and escalate the situation.
After a tantrum, it’s important to figure out and help the child to understand what happened. Review the events, think about the context, for example, whether the child was hungry or tired, the task was too difficult, the other child was insulting, and so forth. Discuss how it felt for the child, commiserate with those awful feelings, and then consider some strategies to deal better next time. Offer to come and help when things are getting too stressful. There is little point in asking children why they had a tantrum for the reason that they almost never know. They weren’t thinking at the time and aren’t capable of reflecting on their ‘unthinking’ behaviour, without adult assistance. A child who can articulate the unfolding events leading to a tantrum is a well-schooled child; so well-schooled, that he or she is unlikely to have had a tantrum!
Children have to be taught to recognize when they are about to escalate out of control, taught to soothe and reassure themselves, to ask for help, take a break from frustrating activities or interactions, ask for something to eat. They cannot learn these strategies by themselves, especially if their parents have difficulty managing their own negative emotions. Adults who have rages are people who, as children, likely had tantrums but never learned to self-soothe or ask for support when frustrated. They erupt when provoked and continue to do it, despite feeling embarrassed and remorseful after every episode. Being sorry doesn’t help–the cycle of outburst and shame continues.
Most experts agree that the best way to manage a tantrum is to head it off at the pass. Rather than ignoring an argument over a toy, as the arguing escalates, or waiting till the end of the ball game to prepare an overdue dinner, parents do themselves and their kids a big favour by acting before the children become overly distressed and ‘blow.’ Knowing that hungry and tired children lack adaptive resources, parents are well served when they avoid this as much as possible, and are more alert and attentive in situations where it’s unavoidable. Considering your child’s age and temperament and anticipating potential explosions can save much wear and tear. For instance, challenging games and puzzles are not good bedtime activities, especially for perfectionists. Just before nap time, might not be the moment to tell a three year old that he’s not getting the birthday present he desperately wants. These are simply disasters waiting to happen.
Temper tantrums need to be distinguished from poor but deliberate choices that children make, such as, to disobey, lie, steal, tease and provoke. These are intentional actions that are self-serving and gratifying, at least in the short term. Children are not upset while engaging in such activities; they are only upset when being punished for such activities. This is altogether different from a tantrum which is sudden, unanticipated, and extremely distressing for the child, both during and after.
Although tantrums are unsettling, most are benign, and a normal part of development as children learn to assert themselves and gain mastery over their emotions. They are usually outgrown by age 4-5. Tantrums which persist into later childhood, occur too frequently (daily or a few times per day), last more than 15 minutes, or involve aggression toward people may be a symptom that the child is overly stressed and in need of professional assistance. Similarly, temper tantrums associated with other problems such as persistent sleep difficulties and pervasive negative mood suggest a more serious problem which requires assessment.
About The Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.